Hen parties: What every man needs to know about them

Everyone loves to get together with good friends every so often to catch up on things. Whether meeting for dinner or just hanging out at Starbucks for an hour or two and shooting the breeze over a cup of joe, it just feels good to see your buddies again. But when that group of friends consists exclusively of women, well, then you’ve taken things to a whole new level.  In these particular instances, you’re talking about one of the most secretive gatherings to be found anywhere.  Yes, I’m talking about hen parties.

Scholars disagree on where and when these hen parties originated.  Some point to the Victorian era in England, in which women found themselves becoming the “property” of their husbands.  (Of course, many modern-day man don’t really see what the big deal is there.)  Anyway, my guess is that this led some of Queen Victoria’s female subjects to arrange for clandestine “coffee clatches” on Saturday mornings at their favorite coffee shop.  You know, they were on virtually every corner back then.

Others, including many renowned archaeologists, believe these secretive hen parties began in the days of ancient Egypt, probably in the time of Tutankhamun, or Rameses II, or maybe even Cleopatra.  Rumors have been rampant for hundreds of years about women of these ancient times gathering on the banks of the Nile to, I don’t know, exchange ancient recipes and supportive hugs, maybe?

I know exactly what you’re thinking:  “What is the point of this pseudo-intellectual rant, you rambling idiot?”

My point is this:  All of these little hen parties, from the earliest of times, have been absolutely off-limits to men.  That bothers me, and I think it should bother all men.  I mean, we’re men!  We invented the wheel, for shit’s sake.  Women owe us, don’t ya think?

But what bothers me more than anything, even more than being left out of this little chick party, is the secretive nature of all this.  Why must those of the fairer sex insist on having these seemingly clandestine, almost Illuminati-like meet-ups at these strange locales, and at such seemingly random times?  Why?  Are there deep, dark secrets that can’t be shared with their spouses or boyfriends?  is there some longstanding code shared by the female persuasion than they and only they understand?  Is that what the hieroglyphics were all about?  Good Lord!  Maybe I’ll never know.

Oh well.  I don’t even want to know anymore.  Go ahead and have your secret, fun little parties, ladies.  See if I care!

Just one more thing.  Queen Victoria.  Does she strike you as more of a latte or a cappuccino gal?





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Five strange things my wife really likes

As any married guy will tell you, wives are a weird bunch.  There are a million and one things that we’ll never understand about them.  And while all of them are downright wacky, I think maybe mine is one of the more rare breeds in the wifely world.  Here’s what I mean. Following is a list of five strange things my wife really likes:

  1.  A made-up bed.  Now surely I can’t be the only man on the planet who doesn’t quite get the logic here.  This same bed is only going to be messed up again in about 13 hours anyway, so what’s the point to this exercise?  Is there some random inspection coming that I’m not aware of?
  2. A perfectly clean, spotless floor.  We have four dogs (yeah, further proof that we’re nuts), and dogs shed.  Four dogs shed a lot.  Because of the dog issue, I kind of have a similar feeling with the floor that I do about the bed.  You see, my wife (aka she who must be obeyed) insists on vacuuming and/or mopping our floor at the first hint of dog hair or dirty paws.  Come on dear, can’t we just wait until the floor is good and dirty and completely covered with hair before we clean it? 
  3. Manicures.  I realize this applies to most, if not all, women.  I think from the age of 18 months, girls are taught that if their nails don’t look like they were just done within the last 3 days, then it’s already past time for a new coat of paint on those babies. But my better half just seems obsessed with perfection when it comes to her digits.  I think maybe she starts examining them at the 24 hour point.
  4. Popcorn….with the dog.  O.k., this one isn’t all that strange.  Everybody loves popcorn.  But it’s not just the popcorn for her.  No, it’s the entire process of fixing it and then filling the large, red bowl and laying back on the couch with one of our dogs fixed to her side, waiting for the accidental(?) drop of the occasional stray piece.  It seems to be a religious experience….for both of them.
  5. Me.  Alright, this one is completely understandable to anyone.  After all, I am adorable.
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My wife came back!

I know exactly what you’re thinking:  “Of course she did.  She’s such a wonderful person. And besides, she loves you too much to not come back!”  Whatever.  All I know is my wife came back.

Now, I know all of that is true, of course.  But I had my share of doubts over the past few days.  You know, she was in Colorado.  What if she felt that she loved the Rocky Mountains just a little bit more than she loves me.  Yeah, that’s right.  What if she saw the majesty of the Rockies and felt like she actually could do without the man she can’t do without?

Anyway, these are the kinds of thoughts that a lonely, sad, abandoned man has when he’s, well, lonely, sad, and abandoned.

Come to think of it, maybe she did fall hard for the Rockies but just couldn’t bring herself to tell me goodbye forever.  She’s thoughtful like that.


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When Will My Wife Come Back?

That might be a question lots of men ask themselves at various times in their marriages.  “When will my wife come back?”

That question, of course, can be asked in many different scenarios: 1. When will my wife come back….from the grocery store…..with the beer and the chips and salsa…..the game starts in an hour and I have friends coming over.  2. When will my wife come back?  You know, for those times when she’s “not herself” through no fault of her own.  You know, when she’s, um, you know, right?

Those are just a couple of examples of situations when that question might be asked by some hapless sap of a husband.

Unfortunately, I find myself in a much more serious, some would say tragic, situation.  She left me a couple days ago.  I know, that’s horrible.  But the worst part is that I have another 24 hours to get through before she will return to make my life make sense again.  Yeah, she took a long weekend to visit her son. What were you thinking was going on?

Anyway, until tomorrow, I remain on my own. By myself.  Just a lonely soul lost in the wilderness of suburbia.

If you’re a religious person, please say a prayer for me.  I still have to fix myself dinner tonight.

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The First Day Without My Wife

As you know if you are a regular reader of this blog (and, really, who the hell isn’t?), then you know that I have been abandoned by my wife.  Yep.  I’ve been left to my own devices for the next two and a half days.

Before you get too carried away with your inevitable name-calling and general spite for my wife, I should probably say that she deserves some credit for at least attempting to prepare me for my abandonment.

The woman who loves me more than life itself saw fit to prepare two days of lunches for me to finish out my work week.  Then, of course, there was the heroic moment when she reminded me (or was she teaching me) how to make a pot of coffee for myself in the morning.  As you can see, this is a woman who goes to the ends of the earth to make sure the man she loves does not want for anything.

Oh well.  I’ll get by somehow.  It’s certainly not my first rodeo when it comes to fending for myself.  It’s just that I never thought, in a million years, that the woman I can’t do without would choose to make me do without.

Alright, now commence with the name-calling.


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Women, The Bachelor and all that comes with it

So my wife was watching, um, what’s it called again?  Oh, yeah, “Bachelor in Paradise”.  This, of course, is a spinoff, a byproduct, if you will, of the legendary “The Bachelor” series.  But you knew that already.

 (photo by justjared.com)

Anyway, as we’re watching (and by we I mean she’s watching, because no self-respecting guy would ever watch these shows, you know?), I just can’t get past the fact that she is beyond the point of obsession with this show and its sister shows.

The closest comparison I can make is to the typical man’s obsession with Sunday Night Football.  Or Monday Night Football.  Ok, and Thursday Night Football, as well.  And maybe with a few scattered Saturday afternoon college football games thrown in for good messure.

But football is not the topic of this particular post.  So let’s get back to a woman’s unhealthy obsession.  That’s right.  This nonstop barrage of all things Bachelor just can’t be healthy for a wife, not to mention society as a whole.  You gotta believe me on this one!

This phenomenon takes away from all the things that make a marriage work.  You know, intense conversation about all the important issues of the day, quiet family dinners, cuddling.  That’s right.  The things in life that men keep close to their hearts.

So what’s a man to do?  Unfortunately, I haven’t a clue.  If anyone has any idea how to stop this Bachelor madness, I’m all ears.

Until then, I suppose, I’ll resign myself to the fact that it will return again this fall in all its glory.  I hope my wife will realize, even while watching every episode, that I’m right there with her, physically and emotionally, if she ever has time for me.  I’ll always be there for you, honey.

Just don’t bother me on Sunday night.  Or Monday night.  Or……


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My wife is leaving me

Yeah, that’s right.  She mentioned just a little while ago that she is going to be packing up some things for a few days. Apparently, this is really going to happen.  My wife is leaving me. I think she had already made this decision a few weeks ago.  Maybe she mentioned it at some point, I don’t know.

What do you say at a time like this?  Don’t leave me?  I’m sorry?  Please….I love you…let’s talk about this?  Or, at this point, when she has obviously decided she’s going, is it too late already?

This really sucks.  We’ve been married close to five years.  What is going on?  What is the hell is going on?  Oh my God, is this a panic attack coming on?  Jesus!  I’m starting to sweat and the A/C is turned way up right now.  I feel like my heart is going to explode!  Shit!  Please don’t go!  Just stay.  PLEASE!!

I guess it’s time that I just accept it.  It’s going to happen.  She’s apparently staying here for another night or two, packing up, and leaving.  It’s a done deal.  I just wish I knew what I did to make her go.

Oh well.  I’ll just ask her on Sunday.  What’s that?  Oh, no, she’s not moving out, silly!  She’s visiting her son in Colorado.  I thought I mentioned that.


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The top 5 things to say to your wife this weekend

Just in case you plan on doing something nice for your significant other this weekend or you just plan on spending a relaxing couple of days enjoying each other’s company, let’s see if I can help out.  Following are the top 5 things to say to your wife this weekend:

  1. Honey, the game is on tomorrow night.  I know you hate sports, but won’t you please stay home and watch it with me?  I’m so tired of spending time with my friends.
  2. You know, it’s been a while since you’ve spent any time with ______(fill in the name of random friend).  If you really can’t stand the thought of staying home with the man who loves you more than life itself, then I would totally understand if you wanted to get together with her tomorrow night.
  3. Sweetie, if you should decide to hang out with ______ (name of friend again), why don’t you just forget about fixing me dinner before the game and I’ll just order pizza for myself.  And I should probably order a couple larges, you know, just so I’ll have some left for lunches next week.
  4. Dear heart, in the morning, if you would like, we could go to the gym together and then maybe stop off at Starbucks or something on the way home.
  5. No, no, no!  You look great, honey!  The whole gym idea is for me.  Really!!  Honey?  Honey?


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Your problems are too big to overcome? Hmm…well maybe you remember a lady by the name of Helen Keller

We all have our own set of problems.  Bad day at work.  An argument with our spouse, maybe.  Bills need paid.  You know, problems.  Big, bad problems that never leave us alone.

Well, how about reacquainting yourself with someone from the past who dealt with some issues of her own.  You remember the name Helen Keller, right?  Remember, she had a few “issues” to deal with in her life.  But she, uh, managed, you could say.

In case you’ve forgotten what it’s like to deal with some obstacles in life, check out this vintage video.  It’s Helen and her teacher, Anne Sullivan, showing how Helen figured out a way to handle her “problems”.


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