It’s Valentine’s Day….now what do I do?

AmazonToday is Valentine’s Day, of course.  And, of course, like millions of other women from sea to shining sea, my wife has forbidden me from buying her anything.  You know, because everything is so expensive.

Of course, being the world-class, pessimistic smart-ass that I’ve always been, since she issued her “give me nothing” decree I’ve spent the past couple days trying to read between the lines, if you will.  As any man worth his salt will tell you, any time someone of the fairer sex tells us they don’t want or need anything, well, they pretty much want something.  And this, friends, is where it gets really complicated, because now comes the job no man ever wants to undertake.  Yep, now we get to play a little game called “Read my mind and buy me the single most perfect gift any man has ever given a woman”.

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Like I said, I’m a little on the pessimistic side, so I’m leaning pretty heavily toward making a purchase for this festive day for my soul mate/best friend/dream-come-true.

But what do you get the woman who told you, in no uncertain terms, to get her nothing for Valentine’s Day?  Would fine Swiss chocolate be on the forbidden list?  How about a nice dinner out, is that against the wifely rules, too?  I feel like I’m close to the end of my rope when it comes to ideas that might be permissible.  “Don’t you get me anything for Valentine’s Day….I’m not kidding.  Don’t get me anything, they just jack up the prices for Valentine’s Day”, she said.  So I honestly have no idea what to do.

I do know one thing, however.  I’m getting her something for Valentine’s Day.  I’m not THAT stupid.

 

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My wife is miserable

That’s correct, my wife is miserable.  Actually, she’s been miserable for quite some time now.  It’s just reached the boiling point, so to speak, recently.

You see, she’s a teacher at an inner-city public school.  No, not one of those pseudo-public schools, you know, the ones that are technically public schools even though they’re very “selective” when it comes to which kids get in.  You know the ones.

No, this is a true public school, with all the trappings of a modern-day inner-city school-a classroom fight here, the arrest of a student during school hours there.  Not to mention the seemingly non-stop barrage of compliments toward my lovely wife from members of the student body.  “F*#@ you!” during second period.  “You f*#@ing b#&$@!!”  just before school lets out for the day.  Who says our public education system is inferior to that of other western countries?

Anyway, my bride says she’s done, and this time I believe her.  The emotionally drained, physically worn-out feeling she’s had literally on a nightly basis for several years has gotten to the point now where she just wants to go to bed when she walks in the door.

So she’s looking for “other opportunities”, as they say.  Which has me thinking, what careers do I personally think would be a good fit for her?  So far, here’s what I’ve come up with:  1)  Stay-at-home dog mom.  Yeah, this would be perfect for her, as she’s the ultimate mother to our four pups. And she also makes our home beautiful.  But then again, she’d probably start getting antsy after about 45 minutes and start, I don’t know, adding a second floor to our house or something.  2)  Las Vegas pit boss.  She’s been pretty successful at the slots every time we’ve been to Vegas and she’s capable of watching people like a proverbial hawk.  She’s not a huge fan of the smoky environment in most casinos, so she’ll have to take up the smoke-free issue with the local Vegas authorities, but I’m confident she could get that done.  3) Forest fire-fighter.  We’ve been out west a few times and she loves it.  Given that she’s never been one to shy away from a challenge, this could be just the gig for her.  She always threw herself into the fire without hesitation in the teaching profession, so why would this particular avenue be any tougher?  4) Navy Seal.  Sure, no woman has ever done it.  Big deal.  That’s only because THIS woman has never tried it!  600 sit-ups?  Please!  Carrying a 200-pound log on her head for a couple miles?  Done!  All before 5 a.m.?  You betcha! (Did I mention she’s been teaching at an inner-city high school for several years?)  5)  Stuntwoman.  Don’t laugh.  She’s still relatively spry for a gal of her age.  Falling off a building from seven or eight stories up or being set on fire for a few minutes would be a cinch.  (Again, she’s had that public school experience, so none of this would really be a huge shock to her system.)

Well, those are just a few random thoughts I have for potential next-moves for the woman of my dreams.  But I’m, I mean she’s, open for any other suggestions you might have.

Maybe a quality teaching job will pop up for her.  Ha ha ha ha ha!!  Just making sure you’re still awake.

 

 

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Things you never wanted to know about women

I’ve been married for just over five years.  That’s not really a very long time, at least not in the grand marriage scheme of things. But it’s more than long enough for me to have learned a few things.  Among the things that I’ve learned are some things that I really never wanted to know about women.

Now I know I said that I’ve learned “a few things” about women since I got married.  But I think I’ll devote this little bit of journalism to one thing that I find particularly “interesting”, which my loving wife originally educated me about a few years ago, but has since seen fit to drill into my feeble brain at every turn.

Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about a woman’s time of the month.  Yes, the monthly visit from Aunt Flow.  Riding the cotton pony.  Surfing the crimson wave.  And my personal favorite-Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp.  (I’ve got a few more, if you have time).

Anyway, I thought I was up-to-date on this monthly happening.  Turns out I wasn’t, at least not to my wife’s satisfaction.  Apparently, in her mind, I needed a bit more of an education on the biological and anatomical aspects of just what it is that goes on “down there”.

Well, there’s no delicate way to so it, so why not just say it the way she put it to me all those years ago.  “My uterus is shedding.  Did you know that?  Well, it is.  Don’t look at me like that!!  It’s the truth!  All this blood is basically a function of my uterus shedding. Little bits and pieces of it are coming off, they’re shedding.”  And then, shortly thereafter, at least in my mind, “Where do you think you’re going?  Get back in here.  We’re not done talking about this!  You need to understand what I’m going through.”

Shedding.  That’s what I now know is happening to a woman’s uterus during her “time of the month”.  It’s shedding.  I’ll bet most men have no idea.

I just wish I could forget it.

 

 

 

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When the cat’s away…..

You know what they say, right?  I think it goes something like this:  “When the cat’s away, the guy will do pretty much whatever he feels like.”  Well, at least that’s the way I remember it.

Anyway, my wife/best friend/trusted advisor, etc., etc.  is leaving me alone all weekend.  I know what you’re thinking, “How could a woman do that to a poor, helpless soul like you?  You’ve always been such an understanding, down right sweetheart of a fella.  I can’t imagine a woman ever even thinking about leaving your side for a minute!”

But let’s not let become obsessed with the negative aspects of this situation. You see, kids, my lovely wife is heading to Chicago for the weekend to meet up with her son for a couple days of (probably) shopping, dining and just general mother/son bonding.  And yes, she and he both deserve the time away.  I think it’s great that she’s heading up to see him.

On the other hand, yours truly now has quite a unique opportunity on his hands.  A day and a half of time to do with what I choose.  So what will I choose?

Now I suppose I could do one or two of many ultra-exciting things.  Treat myself to a luxurious steak and lobster dinner at the finest establishment in town, complete with the requisite Baked Alaska dessert.  Spend an entire day and a half taking in every museum in the area.  Or maybe, just maybe, splurge on a four-hour body massage, mani/pedi, and facial.  You know, pretty much the typical things every guy considers doing when he’s left to his own devices.

Come to think of it, there’s a full two days of NFL playoff football on this weekend.

Consider my decision made.  Chips, salsa, beer.  For two solid days.

The perfect luxury.

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Five things I’ve already learned today….and it’s not even noon yet

It’s about 10 minutes before noon as I write this and, wouldn’t you know it, by hanging out with my wife for just the past couple of hours I’ve already learned a handful of really important things.  Here are the top five:

  1. It’s important to fully appreciate the fact that she wants to take four (yes, four) dogs for a walk at 9 am, despite the fact that it’s 8 degrees out.
  2. Always be ready to leave the house when she says it’s time to go, especially if she just finished walking four dogs at 9 am in the morning with temperatures hovering at 8 degrees.
  3. If you think she’s snapping at you, you’d better be damn sure you’re right!
  4. Spending a really chilly morning with your wife can be one of the most enjoyable things in the world.
  5.  I’m really glad she likes running with our dogs, because at 8 degrees I’m not having any of it.  I mean, unless she tells me to.
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A few random New Year’s thoughts

A few random thoughts on New Year’s as my wife and I continue to sober up from a long night of partying last night.  Just kidding.  We’re old.  We don’t party any more.

We set our own modern-day record by staying up (straight through, no less) until after the ball dropped in Time’s Square.

Being with a few good friends beats the heck out of spending time in a huge crowd on New Year’s Eve.

I get a little misty-eyed thinking about my childhood, running out to the front yard banging on some of Mom’s old pots and pans at midnight.

Does anyone else long for the bygone days of Guy Lombardo on New Year’s Eve?

It’s definitely not the same with Dick Clark gone.

Do kids still get into it like we used to “back in the day”?

My wife is a teacher.  She has to go back to school tomorrow.  I’m off work tomorrow.  Ain’t life beautiful?

Happy New Year!!

 

 

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Five things I learned this Christmas

When it comes to lists, as you may know, I’m quite a fan.  If you know me well, you also know that I am one of the world’s biggest lovers of Christmas.  So with those two things in mind, here are five things I learned this Christmas…..

  1. An interfaith marriage makes my Christmas seem that much more special.  Yeah, my wife is constantly on the verge of pulling her hair out from the roots due to my near-obsession with not disappointing anyone on my list, but when Christmas morning comes, it is just as magical opening gifts with her as it was at any time in my childhood.
  2. Our dogs are the best kids in the world at Christmas.  Never ask for a thing from Santa (as far as we know) yet are the most grateful little turds you’ll ever see once we present them with their favorite nasty-yet-savory animal bone.  Yes, sir, watching them eat their bones on Christmas morning, then jumping onto our laps to share their bounty with us in all its hickory-smoked, pajama-staining glory, is pretty much what the season is all about.
  3. Since you asked, A Christmas Story is the undisputed champion of Christmas movies.  No, that’s not really something that I learned this year, but it was on my mind, so there you have it.
  4. I’ve finally learned that my dad had it right with this whole holiday thing.  He was not a religious man by any stretch of the imagination, yet Christmas seemed to turn him into the happiest man on the planet.  For him, it was all about family.  His kids. His grand kids. Having all of us together, for him, was Christmas in a nutshell.  I can remember Dad asking  me every year “what do you want for Christmas this year?”  I can only remember giving him a specific answer once, but you know what, he got me that gift.  Up until then, I always thought he was teasing, you know, just asking to be asking.  But he thought it would make his son happy.  And as usual, he was right.
  5. At the end of the movie It’s a Wonderful Life the angel leaves a note for George Bailey, the character played by Jimmy Stewart.  “No man is a failure who has friends”, it reads.  My wife and I have lots of friends, and we both have made many new ones over the past few years.  I’m not sure if there’s an angel on our shoulders or not, but if friends are the measuring stick for success then I’d say we’ve had more than our fair share lately.
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A few wacky post-Thanksgiving thoughts

Now that Thanksgiving is officially over (you know, as far as I’m concerned, it’s not officially over until all four glorious days of the weekend are gone), I have a few wacky, random post-Thanksgiving thoughts that I knew you would like:

You’re bloated, feeling like you shouldn’t eat again for about 6 weeks, so what to do?  Well, my advice would be to not eat again for 6 weeks……

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Just out of curiosity, at what point during your Thanksgiving dinner did you feel like you had over done it with the turkey, stuffing, pies, etc?  And at what point after that did you seriously consider stopping the shoveling of food into your mouth?…..

Green bean casserole.  I just felt like saying that…..

Now that Thanksgiving is over, it’s time for Christmas shopping, don’t ya know?  You didn’t think you were just going to be able to lay low for a while before hitting the stores, did you?  Come on, now.  You’re smarter than that…..

So, are you listening to your local, all Christmas music station yet?  Don’t you lie to me!…..

Speaking of Christmas tunes, what’s your favorite one of all time?…..

In terms of Christmas festivities, everyone has their own view of what makes a great holiday movie.  If you’re looking for a list of some of the greats of all time, AMC has a list of Top 20 Christmas Movies.

You know, Christmas is a pretty good time to take stock of lots of things in your life.  Not to get too sappy all of a sudden, but, well, I am over 50 now, so I guess I’m just starting to see the holidays in a little bit different light these days.  Whatever you do at this time of year, please don’t forget the little things that are really important.  That’s all.  Just don’t forget…..please.

 

 

 

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It’s the day after Thanksgiving, now how do you feel?

Twas the day after Thanksgiving, when all through the house, you and yours were feeling more than a little bloated and sick, because yesterday you ate about 30 pounds of food, drank more alcohol than you have in the past 6 months, and now pretty much want to just roll over and die.

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But, no, there’s no time for laying around.  There’s other stuff to do this weekend.  Stuff that absolutely has to be taken care of.  There’s Black Friday shopping (and what guy doesn’t look forward to that annual rite of passage, huh?).  There’s Christmas decorations to get started.  And, well, there’s always more football than one man can possibly watch in 10 Thanksgiving weekends.

So my advice to you, fella, is quit your bellyachin’ (maybe literally, maybe figuratively) and get out there and enjoy this day.  Do you shopping.  Do some Christmas decorating, regardless of how painful even the thought of that might be.  And while you’re at it, what the heck, might as well do a little more footballin’.

Happy Day After Thanksgiving, boys and girls!

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It’s Thanksgiving, you know….so be thankful!

Being that it’s, you know, Thanksgiving, what better time to list five things every guy should be thankful for?  You’re absolutely right, there is no better time.  So here we go.

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1) Your wife/girlfriend/some girl you really like who barely knows you exist.  Yes, that’s right, we all need to acknowledge the superiority of the significant others in our lives.You may know her as “she who must be obeyed and worshiped.”  Besides, fellas, try gettin’ through this day without that acknowledgement.  Or maybe you would enjoy getting to know “she who must have vengeance?”

2) Football.  Yes, you are right to wonder why football would be so high on this list.  But for many men, yours truly excluded, of course, priorities can sometimes be slightly askew.  For those poor souls (again, yours truly excluded), football can actually be the biggest part of their day.  God love ’em.

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3) Family.  Again, the priority thing.  But top three?!!  That’s not bad.

4) Food.  Count me among those people who look forward to most other things on the menu each Thanksgiving other than turkey.  Don’t get me wrong, I love it and all.  And I can fully appreciate all that those poor fellas go through to make my holiday special.  But for me, it’s all about the side dishes.  Who’s with me on this?  Green bean casserole (yeah, my wife might not be a fan, but I like it….a lot!), sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, twelve different types of salads, rolls, yada yada yada.  But, you know, I think I would enjoy the sixteen or seventeen assorted desserts much more if I could just limit my main dinner to the usual 12,000 calories recommended in a day…..for a family of four.

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5) There are three more days left in this here weekend!  Three more days of football, family, food, and football.  And three more wonderful days with “she who must be obeyed.”

Let’s eat!!  I mean, if that’s ok with you, honey.

 

 

 

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